“I wanted to punish myself for feeling broken,” I told my friend over the phone.
Do you ever feel broken? Like so stuck in your hurt that you feel as if there’s nowhere left to go? Do you ever feel disgusted with yourself or your experiences? Do you ever question why things happened the way that they did or why people made the decisions they made? Do you ever just wish that you could forget all of the heaviness in your life for just a second so that you could breathe?
I have been going through it. I really have. Although it’s hard to open up about it, I want to because I want you to know that you are not alone. I have been feeling so alone in my struggles lately and I have wished for someone to struggle alongside of me. If you are in a place of hurt, confusion, or pain; I’m in it with you. You are not alone. As much as it sucks right now, this is not the end. There’s always a new beginning in sight because God is not done with you. He is for you and He is fighting this battle alongside of you. You are worthy, you are strong, and you are enough. You are worth fighting for.
When someone asks you how you’re doing, what do you say? Do you say “I’m good” or “I’m fine”? Do you fake happiness or quickly reverse the question on them so that you don’t have to answer truthfully? What would happen if you actually took the question seriously and responded with the truth. People can’t help you when they aren’t aware that you’re hurting. It might seem obvious to you that you’re not doing well, but it might not be that obvious to others. Instead of shooting other people’s intent down in your mind of not being a good friend and blaming them for not noticing, what if you gave them a chance by stating that you are not okay and that you could really use some help? Sometimes we need to vocalize what we are feeling in order to invite someone else into our hurt.
When I was talking to my friend over the phone and telling her how I felt, I said something that really stood out to me. “I wanted to punish myself for feeling broken.” I was talking about how I was angry for feeling the way I was feeling. I was angry at my brokenness and angry at the circumstances that led me there. I was angry at my mind and body for giving up on me when I just wanted to keep pushing off my emotions. But here’s another thing I learned: Your memories are in your brain and your body. What goes on in your head affects your body too. If you don’t take care of your mind, your mind isn’t the only thing that’s going to suffer. You’re going to hit a wall one day and everything is going to be affected.
I imagine this room with four brick walls. I felt trapped in this room and I tried to escape it until I hit mental and physical exhaustion. It was in that moment that I just stopped trying to run, to escape, to hide; and I just collapsed and surrendered. In that moment of surrender, a window appeared and the sun shone through it. I looked up, with tears streaming down my face and felt the warmth of the sun. Spring is coming. The winter is gone.
As much as we want to stay in the darkness because it’s easier, know that the sun is there. There is hope no matter what you’re facing. It’s completely normal to not be okay. And that’s something that we’re not great at admitting as a society. We all act like we are doing fine, when in reality, the majority of us are really hurting and are in need of help. But I want to just tell you right here and right now that there is nothing wrong with not being okay. Because you are human and you owe it to yourself to act like one. You don’t have to be happy all the time. You don’t have to be okay. You can be hurt, broken, and sad. You can be walking through the darkest valley because life is a journey through the ups AND the downs. Be the person willing to admit you aren’t doing okay. Because maybe someone around you will see that you’re hurting too and maybe they’ll be able to admit that they are not doing okay either. Imagine if rather than hurting alone as individuals, we could enter into a community where we can struggle together. Being able to share the burden and talk through the pain is the window where the sun shines through.
I don’t know what you’re walking through, how deep the pain that you’re feeling is, if you feel like you don’t want to continue, or if you’re hanging on by your fingertips. But I want to speak some facts over you.
“Your life is not yours to take.”
A friend of mine recently shared her testimony with me. In a moment of deep hurt, when she wanted the pain to end, she heard the Holy Spirit speak these words over her. “Your life is not yours to take.” When you are tempted to cause yourself pain, think about this sentence. “Your life is not yours to take.” God will decide when He’s done writing your story. So if you are here; living, breathing, and reading this sentence, then know that God is not done with you because He just started writing your story and it’s far from over. Don’t give in to the darkness because it’s temporary. There is so much good to look forward to in your future.
If you feel like you can’t control thoughts of self-harm or have thoughts of harming yourself, please get help by calling the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or contact a self-harm Crisis Counselor.
“Allow yourself to feel happy.”
I know that when you’re so blinded by pain, the last thing you want to do is laugh. If you pretend to be happy, it’s only going to make what you’re feeling more painful. If you laugh, other’s will think that you are doing okay. But at some point, you need to allow yourself to feel joy. If you keep yourself in the negative emotions, you’re going to continue to feel sad, mad, and/or numb. When you feel God saying “it’s okay.” Know that it’s okay to laugh amidst the pain. Know that it’s okay to let a little joy back into your life. You may feel stuck in the hurt, but you don’t have to stay there. “The key to being free is me.”
“I felt broken,
I felt numb,
I felt wasted,
I felt done;
but despite the feelings that I felt,
I recognized the weight of now.
I feel it now but it will pass.
My life’s worth more than half a glance.
Keep on making baby steps
and you will find the feeling passed.
Even if it takes a year,
the sun will shine, it’s drawing near.“
This here poem I just wrote in hopes that you might stay afloat. You are worth every breath and I hope you find peace and rest.
EMILY DICKINSON 