My Testimony: Part 2

I was sitting in a room with beautiful decorations. A diffuser was humming next to the window and I was playing with a squishy ball in my pocket. I liked coming here but I never knew what to talk about. I would talk about what I did during my day and then leave. I never said anything deeper or addressed why I was there, at least not at first. But as I grew more comfortable, I learned how to open up and I understood why being open and honest was important.

I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) in 2018. At the same time I found out I had anxiety and I started therapy. Therapy would have been more effective had I opened up more in the beginning and I wished I would have. At the time, I was having a hard time focusing in school. I always asked to take home assignments so that I could focus better in my space. I couldn’t sit still and I needed a break every thirty minutes. Being diagnosed with ADHD was helpful. As the saying goes, we have to name it to tame it. Once my mental health disorders were named, I was able to tame them using tools learned in therapy. I came to understand the why behind the what. Additionally, with anxiety, I would have irrational fears, panic attacks and sudden moments when I completely froze. However, unlike ADHD, I understood I had anxiety before being diagnosed.

Along with the aforementioned, I also had maladaptive daydreaming (which I have since grown out of). I would stare off into space while completing a simple motion and it would take me a while to snap out of it. Through therapy, I was able to create a movement journal which helped me become aware of my daydreaming. That way I could stop daydreaming before I got lost in the motions.

After being in therapy for a couple of months, a new “thing” was discovered. I had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Unlike maladaptive daydreaming which I grew out of, and ADHD and anxiety which I learned to control, OCD was HARD. It’s still hard. Learning about the other diagnosis’s allowed me to be, for the most part, in control. But with OCD, it was and has been really hard.

The first indicator was my room. My room, my space. That was how it was, except, my space was too perfect. I cleaned relentlessly and had multiple routines surrounding it. If I couldn’t control life, at least I could control my space. The next indicator was my routines. I had number systems, things I mentally had to check off and a number of things to check on before bed and in the morning. Later, about a year and a half later, I began recognizing that I also have intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that don’t make sense, are scary and that come with the fear of acting on them. The worst part? I am still struggling with OCD today. It’s really hard to re-wire the mind but I’m trying my best to slowly break away from the restraints OCD puts on my life.

So now you know about my mental health. What doctors call a diagnosis and what others might call a “thing.” But I have decided to call them labels. You might be going, ‘what? A label?’ Yes, a label. People label us all the time. In fact, we carry an abundance of labels. But what’s cool about labels is that they don’t have to define you. You can define them. That doesn’t mean I’m denying a professionals diagnosis, that means I’m looking at ADHD, anxiety and OCD through a new lens. I’m going to define what they mean to me. Not the other way around.

As I learned new things about myself and began to grow from the labels placed on my life, I was excited. I was excited that God was unlocking new labels that I wasn’t even aware of. Understanding yourself can be one of the best things. However, the following year would hit me harder than anything I was prepared for. The year I would call “The Worst Year Of My Life.” Stay tuned for part three!